I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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