dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Pants are for mortals
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
