shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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