remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
