please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
