someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Randomize
