You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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