Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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