There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
