Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
