i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
