And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
