I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
