stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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