To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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