I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
We had to coat check the pizza.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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