Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
there is glitter all over my balls
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