Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
