Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
