i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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