I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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