My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
