Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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