The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
