I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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