I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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