my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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