It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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