If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
