I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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