I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
