he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
