splinters make it hard to masturbate
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
