I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Randomize
