I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I think i got beer on your cat.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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