Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
i believe in u and ur pee
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
