I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
