I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
