I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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