I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
