I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
