Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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