The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
