just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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