eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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