It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
i black out too much to be "responsible"
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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