So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
