So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
They are going to name an STD after you.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
