So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
