Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
being pregnant is like rehab
We have started to decorate penises.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
