my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Randomize
