so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
