I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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